chapter 10: lost

i dont know why, but suddenly i feel lost. i dont know anything anymore. suddenly. just so suddnly. i dont know why i'm doing what i'm doing. i dont know why suddenly i have lost all my passions. i dont know what i'm doing.i dont know what to do next. i dont know what to do if all else fails. the nearest defenition of failure that i have came across my entire life that really give me that 'fail' effect emotionally was the time i failed add math during secondary school. honestly, i have yet to experience failure. [denial from love and relationship , i dont count that as failure] . i have yet to experience failure. and i am scared.

before, i always know what to do, who to turn to , if things dont really work out. now i am lost , i dont know who to turn to who will be there for me. a lot of people will say that they will. but in reality, they dont really give a damn about me. i have lost my comfort zone.where i can be anything and still be accepted. now i feel like there's always a standard that i have to keep up with. this was how it was before too, but then i have my getaway person with whom i can be anything with. who would still be there regardless what i said or do. now since that person is no longer here,i have lost my getaway and always always need to keep up with the standard. and it is tiring.

i cant just open up to anyone. i am an ego person yes i admit. i cant just open up because not everyone can accept me the way i really am. i m not that good. i hv my dark sides too. but i am too ego to show it out. but i cant do this anymore it is tiring. can you accept me with all my flaws? i am weak . i am not wise. i tried to be better. but i m slow.i cant keep up with that pace. please slow down and accept me the way i am.




now that i think of it.i think others might not have a problem accepting me the way i really am.
it is me who cant accept me if i turn out to be a loser.i cant accept me being weak. i cant accept my flaws. i cant accept me being a disgrace. i cant accept me the way i am. why ? i dont know it myself. why ? do i have some kind of split personality ke ape?why cant i accept the person i am? am i sick? to be this way.. am i not mentally well?


em tahla.is it my inner critic or is it the other ppl that makes fun of my weaknesses that drive me into this insanity.

im so lost.




if theres a reset button somewhere on me, i'll push it now. and start over.